You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Cover your peen. We're going out.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
