The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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