U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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