I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
