EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
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Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
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All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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