You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
