I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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