my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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