using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
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Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
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She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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