My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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