6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
