I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
