fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
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We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
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He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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