So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
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Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
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We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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