Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
