Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
