his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
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I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
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I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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