I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
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I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
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What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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