Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
