Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
sarcasm needs its own font
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
