I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
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I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
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I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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