I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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