he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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