did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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