So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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