I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
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I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
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I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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