Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
