I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Plan B is the new Plan A
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
