just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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