i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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