I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
