you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
