Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
