Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
