Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
