We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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