the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
