Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Randomize
