I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
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