I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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