just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
