was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
