he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
