it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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