Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize
