i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
