Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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