What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
