So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
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I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
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We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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