Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
