she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Randomize
