My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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