Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
